What Happens to Love in a Bipolar Relationship?

 By Joe Kraynak

Recently, Bob posted a story on our original Bipolar Blog called “Heartbroken and devastated from ending a marriage with my bipolar wife.” In his story, Bob talks about all he would do for his wife only to feel unappreciated and heartbroken. I don’t know Bob or his wife or their situation. Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors in anyone’s home. However, I could sort of relate to Bob’s description of how he responded and how he felt.

When you’re in a loving relationship with someone who has bipolar disorder, it’s common to feel frustrated and unappreciated at times. No matter how much you do to show your love, your loved one may not be in a condition to return that love or respond to it in any positive way. The more you do without receiving anything positive in return, the greater the frustration and resentment.

You might start to wonder, “What about me? How long should I have to put up with this?”

What I’ve learned from living with and loving someone with bipolar disorder is that expressions of love change, at least temporarily, in the midst of major mood episodes. Come to think of it, they change in the midst of any major illness that incapacitates a loved one physically, emotionally, or mentally. In the case of bipolar disorder, these periods of illness may be only temporary and, we hope, short lived.

During these times, the normal things you do and say to please your loved one no longer work. You can speak all five “love languages” fluently, and nothing you say or do is powerful enough to break through the barriers or trigger any sort of positive response. Reason doesn’t work, either. The person is ill and needs some sort of intervention that puts them back in control of their mental and emotional facilities.

In the midst of full-blown mania or major depression, love may mean making tough decisions – perhaps closing bank or credit card accounts, limiting access to drugs or alcohol, or even having your loved one hospitalized against their will. This is the tough love that nobody really likes to engage in, but it’s often the only course of action that helps manage the episode with the least possible collateral damage. A forced hospitalization may diminish the intensity and duration of the mood episode. Other interventions, such as closing bank or credit card accounts don’t stop the disease but they may mitigate the fallout.

Love usually means putting your loved one’s needs before your own. What your loved one needs when he or she is in a manic or depressed state and lacks the insight to realize what’s going on is your objective perspective, clear thinking, and assertive presence. This is exhausting. It often feels like you just can’t keep going, but in the midst of their mental chaos you may need to continuously repeat your own internal mantra reminding you that it isn’t about you right now – it’s about your loved one.

Please share your experiences of tough decisions that bipolar disorder has forced you to make in helping a loved one during a major mood episode. What happened? How did your loved one respond at the time? How did your loved one feel about your decision after fully recovering from the episode? If you have bipolar disorder and a loved one stepped in to help, please share your experience and insights. Did your loved one’s efforts help or make things worse? How did you feel at the time and afterwards, when the mood episode had passed?

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipolar/2011/06/love-bipolar-disorder-relationship/

5 Rules for Bipolar Relationships

by John McManamy(an award-winning mental health journalist and author.)

Never engage in a dialogue with the other person’s amygdala

The amygdala is that part of the brain’s limbic system which activates fight-or-flight. The amygdala fires up in response to stress or perceived stress. When that happens, the thinking parts of the brain - the cortical areas - go off-line. This is a perfectly normal response to potential danger when we need to act quickly - essentially react - with no time to think.
Life is far more complicated in a bipolar brain. The amygdala may go off for no reason or may over-respond. Meanwhile, the cortical areas fail to reboot properly. The all-clear message gets lost. We freak out and lose it. Or we may become immobilized. In this state, we are totally irrational, beyond reason. There is no sense in trying to reason with us.

Do not judge

People with bipolar have very different ways of perceiving the world than the rest of the population. The only reason this is not considered normal is because we are not in the majority. The brain science strongly suggests that bipolars are adept at non-linear thinking, which would account for our high creativity. But our non-linear processors can also get us into trouble. 
One example is that we may perceive danger well before a “normal” person perceives it. We see ourselves reacting normally to an abnormal situation. We cannot contemplate how the other party can possibly be so clueless and unfeeling. The other party, of course, sees it a lot differently. They see us as freaking out for no reason. 
But then our nonlinear processors can reverse the situation. This time we see the solution to an intractable problem. We have the situation under control. Our non-linear partner is the one who is freaking out for no reason. They see us as being clueless and unfeeling.
In either situation - be it the bipolar individual acting out or the “normal” one - we need to suspend judgment. The other party is reacting to the world as he or she sees it. So are you. Same world, two entirely different views. Do not judge. Take stock, determine where each of you are coming from. Resolve to work your way to an understanding.

Think very carefully

Part of living with bipolar involves our brains running away from us. Or it can work the other way around. Our brains shut down. Either way, we may spend the rest of our lives dealing with the consequences.

The brain science reveals that the prefrontal cortex acts as a modulator of our emotions. When we’re not thinking right, bad things happen. But there is this important twist: We also need our emotions to think. Any decision we make is based on whether it “feels right” or “feels wrong” to us. As counter-intuitive as it seems, the thinking parts of the brain can be tricked into making terrible choices. 

Bipolar essentially turns up the heat: On one hand, our non-linear brains imbue us with the type of intuition that borders on psychic. On the other, we have a tendency to jump to ridiculous conclusions. 

When do you go with your head? When do you go with your heart? How do you justify your decision to your partner? Our only guide is a lifetime of experience, which inevitably involves a history of wrong choices. Mistakes are inevitable, but they may also give us the wisdom to move forward. Says the Dalai Lama: “When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.” 

You should never have to put up with abuse

This applies with equal force to both parties. The stress we put our partners through can be interpreted as a form of abuse. Likewise, so can the apparent indifference from our partners.

Each partner has the right to set their own boundaries, make their own rules, interpret abuse as they see fit. And ultimately each has the right to leave the relationship if their needs are not being met.

Each party also has the right to expect certain accommodations, even if they make no apparent sense to the other party. If a bipolar partner expresses the wish to leave a crowded room right now, this means right now, not five minutes from now. Conversely, the “normal” one who pulls their partner from the room right now, this very minute, has a very good reason for doing so. 

Naturally, whether bipolar or “normal,” we do not wish to put our parties through unnecessary suffering. But we may find ourselves in situations where our partner can no longer put up with us. We may be “too bipolar.” They may be “too normal.” 

Too often, things deteriorate beyond the point of reconciliation. The saddest - and wisest - choice we may make may involve acknowledging the inevitable.

You are entitled to happiness

The bipolar diagnosis should never be interpreted as a form of house arrest that cuts us off from humanity. Our illness imbues us with an insight and wisdom that tends to leave the rest of the world for dead. We think and feel deeper and wider. We light up those around us. We have empathy in abundance. It goes without saying that we are a gift to the right person.

Thus, it is not a question if whether or not we are right for our would-be partner. The real question is: Is our would-be partner right for us? Do they truly appreciate the qualities we bring to a relationship? Or does our passion and intensity and intelligence and humor baffle or even frighten them?

True, we do not want to inflict our “craziness” on an innocent bystander. But it also works the other way around - we do not necessarily want “normal” inflicted on us. Be selective. Then act. In the words of the Wise Man: “Hey, Jude, don’t be afraid. You were made to go out and get her ...”

ABOUT John McManamy :

I am an award-winning mental health journalist and author. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1999 at age 49 following a suicidal depression and a lifetime of denial. Soon after, as a means of coming to terms with my illness, I started up an email Newsletter (mid 1999), then mcmanweb.com (late 2000), and a blog at Knowledge is Necessity (late 2008). In Oct 2006, HarperCollins published my book, “Living Well with Depression and Bipolar Disorder: What Your Doctor Doesn’t Tell You That You Need to Know.”

Link :

http://www.healthcentral.com/bipolar/cf/slideshows/5-rules-for-bipolar-relationships/never-engage-in-a-dialogue-with-the-other-person-s-amygdala/

How to Save a Bipolar Relationship - 4 Tips For Saving the Relationship With a Bipolar Person

If the love of your life suffers from bipolar disorder, then you know how difficult it can be to deal with the relationship. It's perfectly normal for you to experience relationship problems, so don't feel discouraged. Sometimes the mood swings that come with the disorder can make you feel like no matter what you do to save the relationship, it's not enough.
 

But it isn't. You do help them, and you can save your bipolar relationship with a solid action plan and a good spirit. Here are 4 tips that can help.

1. Educate Yourself on Bipolar Disorder

Try to understand as well as you can just what it is your bipolar partner is going through. Try to find out what it is that causes the disorder and what is being done to help people suffering from it.

2. Put Yourself First

Being in a bipolar relationship is extremely trying. If you want to be of help to your partner, then you need to be in excellent physical and mental health. Take very good care of yourself and if you feel that the weight of it all is becoming unbearable, take a step back and give yourself whatever it is you need to stay strong.

3. Do Not Give Up

Keep a positive attitude and never give up the hope that you will help them overcome and live happily with their bipolar disorder. Always remind yourself that the effort you are making matters and that it's worth it. With a strong foundation and a strong will, you can save your bipolar relationship.

4. Don't Do This Alone

Many people dealing with bipolar people seek counseling to help them through the special issues you might face. The reason so many of these relationships fail is because people try to keep it alive all by themselves. This is extremely difficult if not impossible, and there's nothing shameful about seeking the help of a counselor or the guidance of a book or even online materials.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/3325091

NOTE: Although it's trying to save bipolar relationship, with a little commitment and by researching and setting into motion a solid action plan, you can bring back the love and develop a strong and unyielding foundation before it's too late.

Avery Beckett runs the http://how-to-save-a-relationship-now.blogspot.com/ website which offers free resources and recommendations of the best guides available that can help save any relationship.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Avery_M._Beckett

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/3325091

Understanding About Bipolar Relationships

Bipolar relationships are indeed a challenge. Having a relationship with someone who has a bipolar disorder is not easy, because that person is vulnerable to various conditions such as exaggerated mood swings and strange behaviors. Their roller coaster emotions can drive a relationship out of control. At times, the symptoms may not be obvious, which is why a person with bipolar disorder can still mingle with people, have friends, and form relationships, despite their condition. In fact, they are advised to mingle with people and not stay at home and become reclusive.

Bipolar disorders affect relationships in certain ways. For instance, during the hypomania state, a person would tend to go on a shopping spree. Then, he/she would become depressed and eventually turn quiet. These cycles of mania and depression can put a stress on any relationship, because these are not the usual mood swings that normal people usually go through. These are wild mood changes that can wreak havoc in any relationship. A lot of relationships have ended because the other partner cannot deal with the other person’s illness anymore. It is understandable, but there are ways to maintain a good relationship with someone who has this disability.

Getting Professional Help

You probably can live with your partner who has Bipolar II disorder, but you may already be breaking down from inside. Do not hesitate to ask for help from a counselor or a psychologist. A lot of people do not do that because they fail to realize how much help they need.

One of the reasons why couples do not seek help right away is that the disorder may not be obvious. Anyone can pass the mood swings for a defect of a person’s character, and not as a form of psychological problem that needs treatment. Bipolar disorder does not necessarily show obvious mood phases. It may be hard to distinguish the different mood swings, especially if the shifts in between each emotional state are subtle.

In other cases, the odd behavior may be mistaken for other common problems. For instance, people who go through the hyper phase may become promiscuous, and the spouse may think that the other is cheating. Another symptom of that particular phase is alcoholism and drug addictions, which are quite common conditions in people even without a bipolar disorder. These behaviors take place because the person loses his or her judgment. The couple, in this case, runs the risk of separating.

After the hyper stage is the depressive state, in which the person becomes quiet. It’s like there is another person in the house.
The roller coaster episodes can be very frustrating. However, with proper guidance, living with someone who has these problems is possible.

Maintaining the Relationship

Nine of ten bipolar marriages fail. That is a fact. Failures happen because the other one could not keep up with the person affected with bipolar disorder. The choice of the other person to break free from the marriage or relationship is perfectly understandable.

Nonetheless, bipolar relationships do not have to end in failure. It is possible to live with someone who has bipolar disorder, but it takes compassion and work.
Medications

One mood stabilizing medication is Lithium. Antidepressants may also be prescribed to help the patient cope with the depression phase. Aside from medications, there are psychological therapies to let the patient understand and cope with his or her condition.

Link :

http://articles.pubarticles.com/understanding-about-bipolar-relationships-1330997049,713498.html